Both

Motherhood is both/and. It is dangling 200 feet in the air above a shark tank. Tensioned between the grief of passing time and urgency for the future. Suspended over the anguish of feeling stuck in place.

It is oscillating between squeezing every essential drop from the age of your child and aching to know what version of them is around the corner.

It is mourning the breakup with your former self and honoring the inherent wisdom you never gave your body credit for. It is tethering yourself to instagram at 2 am for a sense of connection (and to keep your eyes open) - knowing you must not be alone while wondering why you’ve heard so little about this loneliness. As I process this constant tug of war I notice myself repeating:

Both can be true.

Both can be true.

I can mourn who my baby was and love her as she is.

I can love my baby as she is and feel excited for who she will become.

I can feel sadness in letting go of hand-me-downs and revel in moving up in sizes.

I can feel so tired I might be a menace to society, and love our quiet middle of the night moments.

I can long to step back into a lean, firm body, and want to hold on to these soft curves just a bit longer, as losing this layer is time creeping away from my body as a home.

I can miss my husband and feel closer to him than ever.

I can be underwhelmed and over extended.

I can wish for someone else to do the mothering and want to do it all myself.

I can wish I wasn’t needed every second but know these seconds will spill into the days when they no longer need me at all.

I can ache from carrying them on hikes but treasure their first glimpses at the wilderness.

I can savor their first words and dream about how they might link them together to change the world.

I can need a break and never want to miss a beat.

I can love who I am as a professional and resent being back at work.

I can love the space of moving my body freely and feel like an amputee when they aren’t near.

I can meet the worst version of myself and let her teach me boundaries.

I can be both.

Both can be true.